


But I Stay

by thetomkatwholived



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Communication, Conflict Resolution, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-22
Updated: 2019-04-22
Packaged: 2020-01-23 22:12:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,925
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18558916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thetomkatwholived/pseuds/thetomkatwholived
Summary: Levi and Nico have a much-needed talk.





	But I Stay

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is my response to episode 5x22. I know we probably won't get something like this story, but I wanted to show that giving a Nico a backstory and allowing these two to communicate would help a lot. I guess I wrote more what I want to see than what we will see. Also, Levi's Station 19 scene kind of changed the original idea. I was going to make this story more angsty, but Levi seems to want some resolution instead of prolonged angst.
> 
> I'm not interested in taking part of the discourse currently circulating about whether Nico is cancelled or not. He's not. People make mistakes, and it's nice that Nico is no longer a perfect prop for Levi. I've been in his position and I've been in Levi's position, so I have sympathy for both. And that's all I want to say about it.
> 
> Anonymous comments have been turned off. I'm really sorry to those who just wanted to leave a nice comment but don't have an AO3 account. I may change it to moderated comments at some point.

Nico Kim had spent the weekend curled up in bed, wearing an oversized Williams College sweatshirt and listening to the saddest Taylor Swift songs. He had had the worst day on Thursday, accidentally killing a previously healthy 21 year old patient, bombing an important job interview, and, completely destroying his adorable boyfriend by calling him a failure. The moment it had left his mouth, he had regretted it, but his job interview began almost immediately after his insult hit Levi Schmitt’s ears.

He knew to give Levi space after what had happened. As much as he wanted to apologize profusely and grovel for forgiveness right away, Levi deserved time to process. If he wanted to break up with Nico, it would be completely justified, and, as devastated as Nico would be, he couldn’t defend himself. Levi needed to take the time to determine where Nico stood in his eyes on his own, without any input from Nico.

But even though Nico knew what was right, he couldn’t ignore the giant hole in his heart from not knowing whether he still had a boyfriend. All he wanted was to call Levi, show up at his house, track him down at the hospital. Find some way to let him know how much he regrets what he said.

As the last notes of All Too Well filled the apartment, a knock sounded at the door, breaking Nico out of his haze. He stood from the bed, stretching out his stiff limbs, and went to answer the door. As he approached the threshold a soft, “Nico?” sounded from the other side. Nico’s eyes widened at the voice, recognizing it immediately. He wrenched the door open, to be met with Levi, looking tired and somewhat worse for wear.

“H-hi.” Nico stuttered out, his heart beating rapidly.

Levi swallowed, his Adam’s Apple bobbing. “Hey. Can I come in?”

Nico immediately moved to the side. “Of course.”

Levi ambled in, making his way to the couch, looking like he belonged there. He settled down and looked over at Nico expectantly, prompting him to rush to sit next to him.

“I-”

“No. I get to talk. You’ve said enough.” Levi’s tone was biting, and Nico was taken aback. All he could do was nod. “I want to start by saying I know you said what you said while you were in a bad place. And maybe you truly didn’t mean it, but you still said it. I’ve opened up to you more than I ever have with anyone. You know about my insecurities and doubts, but that doesn’t mean you get to throw them back in my face when you want me to leave you alone. Admittedly, I should have read the room better and noticed that you weren’t ready to deal with what had happened, but-”

“You didn’t do anything wrong! You just wanted to help me.” Nico couldn’t help but interject, wanting Levi to know that he was not to blame.

“Regardless, you didn’t want my help at that particular moment, and you made that clear by your reactions. I should have left and let you come to me when you were ready. But that still doesn’t excuse what you said.” Levi stopped, silence hanging thick between the two.                                           

Nico took a deep breath. “I’m so sorry. You… you’re incredible and not at all a failure. I… my whole life, I’ve had so much pressure on me to succeed. And I thrived off of it! It was expected of me to be the best and the smartest. So I became the state tennis champ and valedictorian. I got into every school I applied for. I carried that success into college where I won a tennis national championship and graduated top of my class at Williams. I got into the top medical schools and then the top residency programs. Link handpicked me specifically to be his fellow.”

“I get it, you’re perfect.” Levi scoffed.

“No. I’m not. But I had a lot of pressure on me my whole life. I’m Asian. And I know you know that, but I don’t think you understand the underlying implications that holds. My parents immigrated here right before I was born and had to work so hard to give me a good life. It wasn’t easy for them, and I wasn’t about to let their hard work go to waste. So they pushed me and I pushed me and I guess I never stopped. Pushing, that is. Failure was never really… an option at all.”

Levi’s expression was still set, but it had softened slightly. Nico didn’t expect his explanation to make everything better, but he had hoped that adding some context would help. When Levi didn’t respond, Nico took that as his cue to continue.

“Even my time at Grey + Sloan has been a success. I made my mark and became a respected member of the hospital. I even managed to fall in love. Suddenly, keeping with the theme, I was being scouted by all the best ortho programs. I was riding high. And then, it all caught up with me. I made the worst mistake I could make. I felt like every good thing I’ve done was negated. I had failed. For the first time, I had failed. In a really big way.”

Levi nodded, his brow furrowed, clearly taking in everything Nico was saying. He was typically the one to make the speeches in their relationship, but this time, Nico was the one with a grand story to tell.

“I was already so in my head and trying to push down all I was feeling to make sure I could put on a brave face. And then you came in.” Levi winced. “No! No, not like that. Just, you were a reminder of what I was trying to forget. And you wanted me to confront what I wanted to ignore. I couldn’t… take that. And it just… bubbled up and out. I needed you to leave, and I knew exactly how to make you want to not be around me. I wasn’t thinking. Which is no excuse! But… I wasn’t.” Nico tentatively reached for Levi’s hand, but he pulled away. Disappointment flooded through him.

“You don’t get to say that to me. I am not a failure and we both know that. I fail, it happens. But I succeed too. And I succeed when it really matters. I attribute a lot of my confidence to how you make me feel. How you see me and believe in me. For you to tear me down like that? It stung. It broke my heart. I was already upset at the idea of you just leaving me behind and then you said that to me.” Levi began to tear up.

“I’m not leaving you behind. I… I was going to see if you could come with me,” Nico admitted.

Levi blinked rapidly. “What?”

“All of these hospitals have residency programs. I was going to see if… I don’t know. It’s dumb. And I realize it’s probably irrelevant now.” Nico cast his eyes down to stare at his hands.

“Why would it be irrelevant now?” Nico snapped his head up.

“Because… are you not… we’re not broken up?”

“What? No! Unless you want to be…”

“No! I thought you came here to officially dump me,” Nico confessed.

“I’m not. I’m here to sort this whole mess out. I had flowers for you. But that’s a whole other story. I’m not giving up on us after one heated moment. I’m still so upset, but I don’t want to break up.” Levi reached out a hand and grabbed one of Nico’s. At that touch, Nico let out a long breath and squeezed Levi’s hand.

“I think we need to talk more. We need to properly communicate instead of brushing things under the rug and distracting ourselves with sex or big declarations. I want to know you. Everything about you. The things I’ve told you tonight? You should already know that about me. I love you, but I sometimes worry I don’t properly know you.” Nico stroked the back of Levi’s hand with his thumb, relishing in the feeling of being able to touch his boyfriend for the first time in days.

“You messed up, Nico. You’re going to be making this up to me for a while. But you’re right, we need to be better at communicating with each other. You don’t have to keep it bottled up anymore. I’m here for you. Always.”

As if it were planned, the music Nico forgot to turn off drifted through to the living room and permeated the air. New Year’s Day played as Taylor Swift sang about being there through the best and worst times. Levi gave a sad smile, which Nico returned.

“Um, would you like to stay here tonight? We don’t have to do anything but talk.” Nico knew it was a longshot, but he missed Levi enough to take the chance at rejection.

“I’ll stay for a bit longer, but I don’t think I should stay the night. I know how I get around you. I’m worried if I stay we’ll end up sleeping together and it will feel like everything is okay. We have to get back to that point. Okay?” Levi leaned his forehead against Nico’s, clearly craving some level of closeness but not ready for a hug or kiss.

Nico closed his eyes, inhaling sharply through his nose, overwhelmed by the much-needed touch. “Okay. I miss you. It’s only been a few days, but I still miss you. But I also understand. I will do all that I can to make it up to you.”

Levi leaned his face down to connect their lips, only a quick brush, more of a reassurance than an actual kiss. “Can you start by making me dinner? That one rice dish I love?”

“Of course. Whatever you want. And we can watch whatever you want. Or just talk. I’d love to just talk. Or sit in silence. Or you can take it to go. Or - “

“Let’s talk. You can tell me more about what it was like for you growing up.” Nico nodded, releasing Levi’s hand and standing to turn off the music before he made dinner.

When he came out of his room, he noticed Levi still sitting on the couch, tensed up and looking uncomfortable. “You’re always welcome here. You don’t have to feel so awkward. This is your home too. Sort of."

Levi turned to face him, an apologetic look on his face. “I have to relearn how to be comfortable around you, I think. I still love you, but I just feel… guarded now. I don’t know.”

“I get it. Levi, you need to know that I feel so awful and regretful. I promise to make this up to you.” Nico made his way into the kitchen, ready to begin his penance.

“I know. I’ll get there. I know I will. But please be patient with me?” 

Nico turned back towards Levi, a soft expression on face. “Of course. Always. Take as long as you need.”

***

The two had dinner, conversation flowing, maybe not as naturally as before, but there was still a quiet ease to it. Regardless of what had happened between the two the past few days, they were still in love and had missed each other’s company. The road ahead was still bumpy, but it was a long road, one that wouldn’t always be smooth, but one they would always travel together.

**Author's Note:**

> Huge thanks to [kuronekobat](http:/kuronekobat.tumblr.com/) for reading this story over and giving me great feedback. I really appreciate it!
> 
> Feel free to find me on Tumblr at [theswiftiewholived](https://theswiftiewholived.tumblr.com/)!


End file.
